My Blog

Im sttin by here at this time of the day thinkin …what i have gone through and what i have..in life…the…the most prominent thing i find now as a permanent thing in my life is just my best friends…yeah….im..missin them a lot…where today…i met ebbe…who is my bestest friend of all time….we went to HELP college…and ha a little chat…and…we agreed that…we weren’t catchin up…as much as we did last time…hmmm…so…we planned to have a get together…tom..which will most probably be going to pd…. ..in order for that to happen…satya..have to take the earliest bus…frm ipoh…and…ebbe..have to…withstand all the naggings from his mum…

Let me recall…how i got to know ebbe….it was back then…when we were 16….one fine day…i went to school…carrying a huge load of clothes…because…that day..i have been selected to represent my school…for a discipline convention in pulau pangkor where all the expenses is taken care by the government…and it waz a 4 day trip…..so i waz kinda excited tho…. then….later after the assembly was done…three cars with me school discipline teachers escorted me to the pusat kokurikulum kuala lumpur. Where there i saw…a huge crowd..gathered…uniform with many different colours…and i waz one fella there alone…thinkin gosh am i gona spend the rest of the 4 dayz..like diz..being lonely??…..

Then suddenly…i nticed a guy standin at the coner of the gate…where he was lonely too…i decided to start a conversation with him…where at the end i found out that he was from the school where my principle used to be in….we just got a long quite fine….then…slowly we became…good friends…and shared the same room…in the convention….and…became close by then….i can still remember the times we used to do the wackiest things in the convention until..the instructor…had to chase me and sum guys around the resort we were stayin…hehex…..yeah there was a time where i was lookin at something so interesting…a teacher was patting my back..i didn’t know…and tot it was ebbe…i was like wait la dei….in a harsh way…and again the teacher patted…i was u don’t understand English ar dei…u peice of shit….and i turned to be dumfounded…to c the teacher standing there…hehex…

After the convention…there was a long communication cut for both of us….where one day he called me for a convention get to gather thingi….then…slowly we became…close again…where two of his closest friend became my closest friends too….im just contented with…them…we worked together…we …share our life stories with each other….and…be there for each other in times of sorrow…and share each other happiness….

Names ill never erase frm my heart and memory…is ebbe….thushendra…satya…and alex….everytime….ill think this….if anyone i know….hat leaves me and..go….u guyz will be there for me…  

*Copyright Reserved© NaViN’s Creation 08™*

Hmmm…today…it has been a very tiring day as i have
just reached the city of entertainment..it took me 8 hours to drive up and down
the peninsular…just to meet some of the people i know…i once knew…and now
knowing…=)…yeah…as i am sittin down here in my hotel room i begin to
wonder what would i be if i did not forget her*….how would my life be
now?….would i be still…sittin down in the dark…mourning about the
mistakes i have done?…or blaming myself for the mistakes which made her
decide after 6 painful months of waiting…that i was not the one meant for her……hmmmm…yeah…would
i have chosen the path which was socially prescribed as immoral..and play with
innocent heart’s feelings?…..what would i be now?…would i have gotten the
same results for my high school certificate? would i have gone to a town known
for its peacefulness just to meet the seraph which i assumed that is the right
choice for me…hmm..would i be in the same higher institution?.or even worse.
Would i be doing the same course im doing now?…..what would i be now?…i
would never know….how would life be…if i had not made the decision to
forget her*?….hmmm… but in a way i must be contented with what i have done…because…whatever happens happened
for a reason…because if i had not forgotten her *, i wouldn’t have made a lot
of new friends…=p…yeah take it in a positive way…and of all the friends i
wouldn’t have met the person that i have met in a gathering…the
memories….with that particular person was…different…y?..hmm…i just found
her character different..it was like a person letting u to do anything else as
long s ur sincere her…in the beginning as all the relationship
story…goes…both of us had the same enthusiasm..the person had even
introduced her mum to me …and even told her mum that im her special one…but…yeah…i
was sincere at first…we were very much alike and we thought everything in a
same manner…but towards the end there wasn’t the chemistry anymore…i
decided to end and move away.. 
But
yet again what if i didn’t end the relationship?…what
would i be now?….would i be going trough misery i have never expected
to go
through?….hmm…would i get hurt and become more volatile as never
before?…hmmm…would she go for other fellaz….thinkin that they
were the
one at the end to find out that they weren’t…hmmm..would she have
gone
against my say that the guy she is now
indulging in a relationship is not a guy who is meant for her??…and
at last
finding out in a very harsh way..that he is not the one for
her??…would we
have become best friends now??….hmmm..Then moving on my life i took a
break…stop..all my immoral actions and focus on other things in
life…after
her…then..came a day as i was browsin through the net..i came across
a cherub
which i thought waz different than anything before…but i (knowing
me=p)…didn’t
really took it serious…and…just..maintained a normal pace with
her…but
one day a message came from the cherub …what if i had lost my
phone?…or
changed my number?…or even ignored the message?…would i be who i am
now?…hmmm…i wonder…but yeah…once again wadever happens happened
for a
reason…the cherub thought me a lot..i mean a lot…shaping me into a
different person than i used to be teaching me what is the real meaning
of
life…what is the consequences if a person’s ego is too thick..not to
forget..the
happiness…and haha..not forgetting the pain and sorrow too
=p…yeah..but..anyhow. she apologised 4 whateva happened as she don’t
wanna
hold grudges or hate or hurt ny1 and she felt no point haing as she
didn’t feel
right coz all that would accumulate sins and unnecessary karma..she
decided she wanted to live her life widot any
grudges n ill emotions….i should thank her..maybe because the god in
her have
made her decide what is right for her..at least now she have..made her
stand
and made things right..and clear where i think she is contented with
the guy
who she is with now…..the feelings is still there deep down my
heart…but..fate..is not there to c us together…but yet again we
decide our
fate… In the future..fate would make me find a soul which was really
meant
for me…maybe she is near me but I’m not realising it…maybe i know
her…or
maybe i don’t…..or maybe she is far away from me and I’ll meet her
when the
time comes…therefore ill leave it to the fate to decide when i would
c the right
person…to fall in love with and cherish the person for
eternity….hmm…lets
c….it’s already 10 am….it’s time for me to go and enjoy in the
theme park…weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…hehex…anyhow..I’m
contented with what i have gone through and what i am now…=).

-Adapted from a life story of an anonymous soul-

*Copyright Reserved© NaViN’s Creation 08™*

God,
in my point of view……

God,
what is god?..what makes u think he controls everything in this world?…what
makes u think he is the one who created us?…what makes u think that he is the
one who created the universe?…and most of all what makes u think god is a
he?….These are the few questions which have been running through my head for
the past 6 months until now but i have never spoken out about this…..if there
is someone out there which is assumed as god who is believed to control
everything why he is not seen?….what made me really wonder about the
existence of the almighty is where ,for an instance when a man gains something
out of his own effort and endurance he says ‘thank god’ but this is totally
opposite when he loses something or something totally horrible happens to him
he does not blame god instead, he blames himself!…why is this so…i mean
does this mean that god only does good things to u and u do all the bad things
or u do all the mistakes?…and he is supposed to be in command of all the
things happening in this universe…hmmm..i wonder….Besides, why do u think
god is a he?…or maybe why do u think he is humanlike ? my question is i do believe
that the universe is very wide and there is great speculation that there exists other life forms in other planet and
universe does god look like them? Or like us?..hmmm…Now i have just one
simple believe which is god is mankind…confusing huh…yeah..god exist in
each and every one of us…because we decide what we should do…where
sometimes we listen to what the heart whispers…and think before we do…if we
choose the right path a good force is within us…and we choose the wrong
one…a bad force is within us….there is no use going to worship places
…every day of the week a but in the real life do nonsense..According to the
big bang theory…which states that a force have triggered the atoms to collide
and a chain reaction…till the creation of universe…some people speculate
that the force is god….but what makes u say that the force is god…why GOD
and not something else…y cant it be known as force XXX..or YYY..etc
etc…..in my point of view….u do…something wrong blame urself…and if u
do something right thank urself and not someone else or something
else…religion , rituals….etc etc..is create by mankind to encourage people
to do good..therefore mankind is god…god exists in everyone of us….it’s
just what we choose to do…determines whether we’re godlike or devil like… we
all come from a common ancestor…therefore i don’t believe there is a separate
god for every race….race is something created by mankind too….we‘re all one
race which is mankind…and in each and every one of us …exists a
force..Which is positive and negative…it’s how we are able to balance
it…determines our character…i believe .where there is no such thing as an
external force known as god…and we worship him or her as a superior power,
instead believe that there is a force in each and every one of us which is
godlike….I’m not an atheist , as a matter of fact I still go to my place of
worship and a ‘guru’s‘ devotee as i believe that someone could lead u to the
right path and realise the god in u…why i go to worship places? I respect my
ancestors effort to unite mankind under one roof to do good…which was race
and religion…but…i believe that god is a force..Which is each and every one
of us… it’s just how we use it….

-This
is my personal opinion, it was not meant to discriminate anyone’s faith towards
their religion or race-

*Copyright
Reserved© NaViN’s Creation 08 ™ *

Lost Love

The
clock struck 12 am indicating a new day had begun..sigh..i couldn’t believe
that the day had actually had arrived as i still feel it waz like yesterday it
happened, the day i realised i would get
to spend the rest of my 8 months with my love, the day i realised she is only
mine and , the day i felt contented with what i have committed myself  into….it waz a day i felt that god had blessed
me with an angel that would be with me in the times of sorrow and happiness..an
angel which would be there with me till the last molecule of oxygen leaves my
body….i felt as though i waz surrounded with love when she is near me…the
love i could feel deeply in my heart…..i felt i waz deeply in love when her
when i waz with her….in return..i showered my angel with love..the four
lettered word L O V E is just too small to describe the love i had towards
her….there waz one point of time i felt that she was the one born for me….i
devoted my life for her…and only her…i could not forget the days i would
run to the nearest grocery store to buy a handiplast for her if she had a small
cut….the days i’ll do her project work..the days…i would…stand up for
her….the days i would bring her to the clinic..if she had a slightest
fever…the days i would run to her homeland just because she misses me..but..now….the
angel turned into a demon..which strangled me…,pulled my heart out from my
body and…pierced it with a a weapon that would kill even the strongest man in
the face of the planet….the weapon which only she could use and look
innocent..the weapon which made me…fall into the pool of torture…and she
was a pro in using this weapon…no one could use it better that her..as she
had a lot of experience in using…it…towards ppl…before…as i was her
latest…victim..the weapon which i meant was.. mendacity…just pure
mendacity….she did it so well…until i was convinced that…i screwed everything
up…..but i still cant stop wonderin y….It all began on the 17 the of march
..the day…i took a step into the college..and a leap in my life…. persuaded
my parents to send me to this higher learning institute…although knowing that
the course that i am enrolling in is not my thing…for her i devoted my
life….to something which soon i would learn that it will all end in vain ….y?…y
gal y?..wait! Y boi y?…i still wonder…the days we spent together the songs
we sang together….the day came u told me that i made u forget ur painful
history…i was everythin to u….and ur world revolves around me….ur love
towards me is too deem until it could sink the city of New York in half a
day…and again i wonder y..u left just like dat..y gal y?…..they
came…opened my eyes…with ur history….but i still…had the faith in
u…but…i was returned with accusations that did not really had the true
love….and i did not trust…my angel….and again y?…i wonder…..soon..i
became volatile as i witnessed with my very own eyes what others had been
tellin about u….i purposely acted weird… towards….to..u….i ignored
u…but in my heart u were the only…i cried… with sorrow….i didn’t wanna
ask u…as i know u would defend ur self…by shoutin and accusing…me of not
trustin u..u had the vocal power and i did not……i kept it to my self…i
reminisced the days i used to come to ur place…with a little amount of
money….and ..just to spend a little time with u and return at dust……the
day came u ended everything…leaving me to wonder…what i have committed till
u would leave me…i begged…went to the merge of fallin on u feet…but u
treated me like a dog……u said..u don’t wanna get into relationship…but
the truth waz the other way around…u had already found ur substitute…yet
again u were tortured with silence..pure silence..makin u come down to earth as
u were flying too high with ur self proclaimed ‘im Famous’….only my saviours
and me know what re u famous for..u were tortured..till u in the merge of
textin me to accept u back…i wondered y?..i waz really confused..but i found
out that u were just doing it to make me talk to u….am i some kind of a
talkin machine to u gal?…i said no..no NO! as i realised what ppl will call u
…by u makin ur PDA with another fella then getting together with me…what
would ppl call u?…worst what ppl will call me??.. As i know that very night ..u got together
with ur substitute…ur claims that he is sweet..then u should spread him on a
bread and eat him for breakfast y u tortured my life …..i had my revenge….yet
i still came down…gave u a choice asked u to tell the truth..if u had told me
the truth i would have continue being friends with u as i have emphasised many
times that u were different and special…but u were adamant….took ur stand
that ur illness were the only cause ure avoidin me….but y gal?…i would have
respected ur decision and would happily think that he had something i didn’t
actually have….u dug ur own grave by sendin me the text message u suppose to
send ur friend…which made me figure out
everythin………………………………..today it had already been 4
months since the very day i had set my foot into this institute….my life had
changed….i have found someone else…who i neglected….for u in the beginning
thinkin that u were the one for me..although my assumptions went wrong..dont
worry she tastes sweeter than u..although the memories u gave were not much but
they were too sour..and short lived..im still waitin for…the day u would shut
ur mouth and let me tell u what what is in my mind…….although u disgusted
me in many ways…ur actions… in the institute….made me wonder what had u
become gal?..a cargo ship??..that anyone could navigate??….y??..just the
question keeps playin on my head y??..arent u a gal…owh i forgot that u re
not a gal…as gals would have self dignity..unlike u..who dosent…..the
reason…me not talkin to ur substitute…is if i would wanna talk to him…all
ur secrets would be leaked…and ur true colour will be brought to light…once
again im not u…i would preserve my self dignity..by not going down to ur
level and tell ppl ..about what we did…and what u did before dis..u better
pray i don’t…if u keep buggin my life…the truth will be broken to the
world…of what a vehicle u are……..if u want a war ill give u a
war!………………………………….u re just a waste creation of the
almighty…..as u re such a cutie..with a bitchy attitude!…

 -adapted from a life history of an anonymous
soul-

Copyright reserved © Head of FG-19
Crew™ 2008

It’s a mixture of both.

I am done with everything ( Or maybe not ) And seriously, i don’t want
to bring up any sad memories/stuff right now. Yes, i can’t deny, i am devastated.
But i am trying to question myself, what exactly is the best solution to this.
Didn’t realize how much one could affect another. Don’t ask me anything right
now, cos i won’t reply. I tried forgetting you, to let go of everything that
made me happy being with u. Well, i thought i could, but i was wrong. I need
someone, someone who can hear me out, understand what i am trying to bring
across. I want u now, and i want u to know that i really need u more than
anything. I really can’t stand every single second thinking u re no more in my
life. I don’t want my heart to split into two, please no more. Thats not the kind
of feeling i want to get. To think that we started off, nice, sweet. I felt the
comfort back then. On the other hand, some asked me to go and fight for
it. I won’t lie, i tried. But it was useless. This is a game, a
challenge to me. But whatever the result it, at least i know, i’ve failed.

Yesterday’s ,was a total crap. I’ve no idea what’s the footstep, what’s the
rhythm. I am devastated  it’s over. I am distressed
that the term is over.

I’ve no idea how am i feeling right now. I don’t know how should I feel
right now. All i know is that i don’t feel right, and i just know it. It’s
heavy, real heavy this time round. It’s not you, it’s me. Everything. Just me.
Though i don’t really like to be so emotional, but i can’t stop this round.
I cant let go of everything that i’ve been trying to cover and hide all these
while. How i wish i can stop the world, and change every single thing that’s
wrong.

Okay, i am going to stop everything. Stop being a bastard, stop lying to
myself, most importantly, stop being an asshole. Soon after i end my post, lets
pray hard that i’ll be fine.

Goodbye, i can’t produce anything more, my brain’s not functioning
properly right now.